I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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