i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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