you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
