I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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