What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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