last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
