you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
