Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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