Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
