so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
