I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
