need another drink. this is the easiest way
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
