a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
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You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
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Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I FOUND THE LEGS
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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