So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
