at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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