You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
