ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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