3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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