Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
