You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
