I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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