If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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