i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
