Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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