and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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