if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
