there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
