I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
