Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
