I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
