the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i out mim tonsoeep
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
