So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
