I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
