how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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