it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
