My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
