I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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