Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
