Someone shit on the floor
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
