and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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