I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
