Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
