I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
time to smoke my breakfast
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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