i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize