at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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