matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
how does that bad decision feel?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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