now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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