seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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