last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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