just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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