I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
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When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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