Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
