My sheets look like a crime scene.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
