how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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