Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
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In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
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It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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