I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
