Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Randomize
