Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
