Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
