I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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