Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
